Verge

It’s a strange limbo I’m in currently. After two years and fourteen days, I’ve finished my coursework at school. I’ve earned six certifications and am only waiting to hear from PMI to schedule my last one. So, I’m done but yet not done. It’s a weird place to be in. I feel some of the relief, but I don’t feel like I can embrace it completely. Perched on the cusp of freedom.

And it seems sort of surreal. I don’t have a grasp of what returning to regular life will be like, or more than a vague memory of what it was before.

Eric and I have been married four years, and I have been in school for half of that time. I know that while this was a necessary thing, I regret being away from my husband for that length of time. After awhile, the fourteen hour days start to wear on you, and those around you. I have made it through with only a handful of the friendships that I started out with too, which pains me.

Being at this place means that I have the opportunity to take a look at my priorities and refocus in those areas that have been lacking attention and energy – particularly those precious relationships that fill my heart. I hope it means I won’t be such a bitch all the time either. That may, however, be inherent.

Being on the verge of something more has also, surprisingly, led to a reawakening of my creative self – a self I thought was long buried. I find my thoughts turning to ideas for writing – poetry, stories, novels. In the last two weeks, I’ve also thought about opening myself back up to art. Art is always a constant in my life, but creating it is something that I haven’t felt compelled to do in years. Shortly after we got married, Eric encouraged me to get out my paints, my easel, my charcoal and sketch pads. He wants to make sure I don’t lose that part of me that is so important to who I am. A large portion of my authentic self. In the past couple of weeks, thoughts of painting and drawing have flitted across my consciousness, but the itch to actually pick up a brush and lay down paint blobs is getting harder to ignore.

I am holding myself back, for now, keeping myself partially restrained because it’s not quite time…I’m not quite done. But, when it is time I hope to explore who I am now, who I’ve become and what that means to my art and my voice.