Wednesday Meditations

large Buddha statue in Maui with yellow flowers in front

I feel a bit like I’m on a downhill spiral lately. I can’t seem to re-ground myself and my emotions are all over the place. My birthday, with regard to my family, was a fiasco. Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband and good friends. But, I guess that’s where I begin to realize that when I rely on something or someone external to lift me up and make everything ok then I’m not drawing on my own inner resources. Because when your husband isn’t himself and when your friends are busy doing other things, your whole world can begin to feel like it’s crumbling.

Lately I’ve found that I’ve lost my interest in a lot of things that usually fuel me. It’s like after you finish a really good book (Mockingjay), and you feel a bit adrift because a part of you is still stuck in that world. I just can’t seem to inhabit the world I’m supposed to be in fully. I find myself reaching out, trying to engage and then ending up feeling a bit invisible or unwanted as if I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

I miss my writing. I miss being connected with myself, which extends to others – rather than feeling like I’m just disconnected. And I no longer feel like I recognize my own self-worth. And I think when you hold so much in all the time, that core of self gets a bit murky. But, I do think getting back to my writing would help this. I used to journal every day. I used to write poetry. I used to write about a lot of things. Perhaps it would help me clear away some of the fog.

So, I guess I need to take a big ole look at my last post and what I want to create for my life and get to gettin’. And it seems that some introspection is in order as well. And ultimately, I need to tend to my own temple. What’s going on with other people does not necessarily have anything to do with me. And what looks like rejection or being ignored and not included is my own filter and not necessarily true.

I started this blog in order for it to be a space where I could be myself, write about what I wanted to write about and share my growing love of photography. So, that’s the mission statement. Readers and comments on my journey here are so appreciated.

So…a little meditation on this Wednesday morning. A “come to Jesus” meeting with myself, if you will. Guess I needed that. And much like meditation, my thoughts were all over the place in this post. But I think this was helpful. Soon I’ll post up photos from the Worldwide Walkabout as well as a book review. So, here we go. Happy Wednesday and we’ll just call this a do-over.

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